oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
