I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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