somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
