best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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