The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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