i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
