The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
