just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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