Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
