How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
