Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
