i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
