it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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