I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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