Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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