Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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