11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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