if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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