I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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