There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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