i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
