and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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