The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
