I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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