I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
did i just pee glitter
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
