If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
