Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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