I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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