I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
