party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Randomize
