Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
