am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
