I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
