tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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