Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
