I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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