She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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