and next time when you feel me up, do it right
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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