We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
