I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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