I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
