Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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