Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
