It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
