Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
