I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
