So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
