your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
