If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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