Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
